Listen Here


It's been a few weeks since the last depression blog. The main reason for the break in writing was the ongoing depression I wrote about last time.  The struggle with a lack of energy and motivation has taken it's toll on me mentally.  My to do list is has only grown longer as I continually put off doing anything productive.

As I mentioned in the previous blog, in addition to the lack of energy, one of the key side effects of depression is the feeling of worthlessness. The worthlessness carries it's own side effect: pity.  Every thought, action or word gets over-analyzed with the outcome always being "boo hoo, poor me." I have a fairly good life. Sure, it's not the life I expected to have at this stage in the game but things could be a lot worse. I have a roof over my head, a steady job and eat three meals a day. Everything else a bonus.

Lately, I have felt like everything in life needs to change. The biggest change that needs to happen is I think it's time to leave California. However, the biggest challenge is knowing wherever I go, there I am. A change of scenery isn't going to automatically make everything perfect, or even necessarily better. I first have to learn to be comfortable with myself. Right now, that's challenging.

While I can identify areas in my life that need to change, I am having trouble accepting them as they are or doing anything to change them. Instead of trying to change, I keep making excuses to justify putting off taking any action. Then when life continues the same path that I'm not happy with, I act defeated and seek pity. Since I hate pity because it's usually a sign of weakness, I get even more frustrated with myself for playing the victim.

During this time is when I could really use my support team. Unfortunately, I push them away. I don't want to talk to anyone. In the event I do talk to someone, my effort is very minimal. Basically, I'll listen to someone talk and offer nothing in response. Eventually they get tired of a one sided conversation and stop talking, leaving me to myself. Naturally, my mind uses this as proof that no one is interested in talking to me because I'm not someone worth engaging in conversation. The wheels on the vicious cycle of self-pity and self-worth bus go round and round.

How do I change my mindset? When I discover the answer to that question these blogs will probably become less interesting.


No comments:

Post a Comment