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I haven't been as consistent with these postings as I'd hoped. I'd like to say it's because I've been incredibly busy and haven't had time to write. I'd like to say that but it would be a lie. Truth is the last two months have been the worst I can recall in the past few years. As I've said in the previous two postings, I have suffered from a complete lack of energy for the past few months. I have a half-marathon coming up in less than two weeks and have not ran in two months. Today (Monday, October 15) I was prepared to get back into the morning routine of running for 4-5 miles. Went to bed super early as to get enough sleep. Was awake at 4:00 and prepared to run at 5:00.  At 4:30, I was stretching in bed and preparing for the run.  At 4:50, my brain said, "you are not getting up. You are going back to sleep." Needless to say, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 6:50. Over a half hour later than normal.  I don't understand why I'm so devoid of energy.

A couple weeks ago a friend messaged me a few times to see how I was doing. Each time the text or message came in, I wasn't near a computer so I didn't reply because the honest answer would have been too much to type into a phone keyboard. At the same time, I wasn't sure how to answer. Anything I said would have been correct. I'm fine. I'm a mess. I'm feeling nothing. I'm feeling too much. Life is good. Life sucks. Take your pick of which answer you'd want to hear so you can easily move on with your life.

In regards to actual depressive feelings, I haven't been depressed lately. I've actually been rather happy and well adjusted mentally. The aforementioned issues with energy and motivation obviously is a persistent issue.  Also a few days of mild panic attacks over nothing. Well, nothing that should have led to a panic attack. Simple conversations trigger intense feelings. I also question if my acknowledgement of depression worsens the affect now that I focus on it when a depressive cycle hits instead of just saying, "I'm in a funk. It'll pass." Now I try to understand it and work through it which often leads to a downward spiral of negative thoughts.

I manage to get through the day doing things I know I have to do. Go to work. Do laundry.  Eat (but why cook when fast food is just down the block). Clean the apartment...well, make it look presentable in case anyone visits, that's good enough.  Anything else is non-negotiable. Meanwhile, in my head thoughts ricochet back and forth like a hyperactive game of Pong. Bog. Write your book idea recapping the Quest for all 31 NHL Arenas. Work on your screenplay idea. Prepare for future podcasts. Run. Walk. Read. Call your mom.  The brain and the body don't work together.

I've often said my body hates me. Maybe my mind hates my body or vice versa.  I don't know what the solution is to the problem. Think the medication has helped curb the emptiness and irritability. Want do I do for the lack of energy? I've never had a spell last this long. It's frustrating and debilitating. While I still don't have any feelings of self-harm, I often wonder how long I can go like this before those feelings start. When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, how long can you stay in the darkness?


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